Oasis
by SlvrSoleAlchmst1
Summary: I wanted to know what was right. How is it that you knew without any effort? You were the one to see through that dark fog, while I trembled in the spot where you left me standing. Athrun's POV during the time the war takes its biggest turn.


**WARNING: Major spoilers for the series.**

_I wanted so badly to feel what was right. How is it that the whole time, you knew, and without any effort? How is it that you were the one to see through that dark fog and penetrate it to that clear, crystal future, while my life was falling apart? You tore across our galaxy with a new ideal, as if you felt it in your heart all along. And you did, Kira, didn't you? You knew everything, and the only thing I could do was watch my purpose - my being - tremble and fall before my eyes, in the spot where you left me standing._

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I had always thought that I'd kept my life in decent order. I was never as selfish as Yzak, or as loudmouthed as Dearka. I had Nicol's kindness, and an alertness that my father used to say was evident in my mother. My father…I had his ambition, his strength, and his confidence. I never had trouble keeping cool and collected in the face of danger.

I was shocked that day when we first met on the battlefield. I won't pretend I wasn't a bit scared, running into you like that. Fighting you was the last thing I'd have ever wanted to do, right at that moment. I wanted to clap you heartily on the back, ask you how you were feeling, hear your voice. Afterwards I was angry at myself, and at the world for pitting us in a tangled dance that we'd become locked in.

After a while, I came to accept it. When it came to matters of good and evil, allies and enemies, I'd always been the shrewd one. I knew you were my enemy, and there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't like it, but I couldn't afford to let it get in my way. Fate has no pity when it comes to war. I had to let you go, and I did.

But I kept meeting you, time and time again. I thought perhaps I had been given a second chance to make things right, to fix the mess the universe had hurled at us. But you, stubborn and naïve, refused to see anything my way. You were glued to your path, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stir you from it. I was sure I was right, but my failure forced me to bite back many a frustrated yell, as I lay tormented, turning over the facts in my mind. I knew you well, Kira, you had been a part of me, and yet I couldn't understand why you would sacrifice yourself for a cause that was so useless. So I kept fighting you, and yet…

You were right all along.

Maybe not at first. Maybe it took you some time. But the moment I realized that you had broken the barrier, deciphered the real war that we ought to have been fighting, I broke.

I remember that time you smiled at me from behind the fence. Everything about you was so serene and calm. Time almost stopped, and as your smile met your amethyst eyes, I felt it. We connected, and the static jolt of both sorrow and happiness awakened a sense of loss within me. Your parting words told me that you really hadn't changed at all. And it was then that I knew you must have had your reasons for fighting. For fighting me.

That feeling of loss is what made me even more desperate to defeat you. I wanted you back on my side. I didn't want to be away from you anymore, because I couldn't bear the idea that perhaps I was the one who was wrong. But the fact still remained – I was Athrun Zala of ZAFT, and a soldier to the bitter end. Personal feelings didn't matter in a war. I knew I had to defeat you, maybe even take your life. If that was to be my destiny, then so be it. I swore to take you down.

Somehow, at that point, I don't think I actually believed I would ever really have to.

Then you swept Nicol's life away, murdered him in cold blood. A boy of fifteen who played the piano like an angel. The only one who stayed around, while Yzak and Dearka were off causing trouble. You came swooping down like a god, snuffing his life out right in front of me. The rage I felt – the absolute anger and wrath – was enough to convince me that I was just in my beliefs. I had to destroy you no matter what the cost.

I could tell that you knew that too. There was no other option but to fight each other to the death. I didn't think I'd be the one to come out alive, but somehow, I was.

When I realized the magnitude of what I'd done, I almost laughed. I awoke in that harshly lit room, the Princess of Orb standing coolly in the corner, waiting for me to wake so she could demand explanations. Where had you gone? Had I indeed killed you? I couldn't help but let a twisted smile creep out upon announcing that I'd finished you off. After all, as Commander Le Creuset once told me, irony abounds in warfare. I had done what I'd had to. It was over.

But for some reason, after you were gone, things only seemed to shatter further. If I'd done what was right, then why did I feel as if nothing had a direction anymore? I was awarded a medal of honor, for killing you and fighting a brave battle. I was even transferred to the elite forces. I ought to have been proud, but instead I was confused. An award for ending the life of someone I'd once cared for? An award for taking revenge, destroying another life, and preventing peace from reigning free?

Everything tore apart at the seams. The life I'd thought I was living for justice and righteousness was collapsing. I heard news of the failure of Operation Spitbreak. Lacus had betrayed me. Not just me – the PLANTs, and all the Coordinators. I was outraged, and my loyalties wavered when I was told to hunt down the stolen Freedom, the new mobile suit that carried an N-Jammer Canceller. I couldn't believe that my father would have authorized the use of such a thing. But I had nowhere else to turn. I was a soldier; I followed my orders. I fought for what I believed in, and I believed that right was still on my side.

I don't know what made me hunt down Lacus. Impulse was probably what drove me, and a yearning to find out for myself just what the truth really was, if there was a truth at all. I couldn't afford to have any doubts if I was to carry on fighting. The evidence was presented in front of me, and yet I failed to fully believe that my former fiancé could become a traitor. A logical reason had to come sooner or later.

I wasn't sure it would, to be honest. I had already steeled myself for my new situation, set my face like stone and prepared to move forward, even if it meant I had to fight mindlessly as a puppet on my father's strings. It burned, the feeling within me while I held Lacus at gunpoint. I can't remember if I felt hope, or even fear. I felt nothing but a void. I just wanted to know the truth. I had to confirm that what I was fighting for was still the justice I had always believed it to be.

Her words at that time cut into me like razors. She hadn't betrayed me. She had given _you_ the Freedom. You were alive.

My vision was whirling, my very core shook with the sound of her sweet voice as she ripped me to shreds with that straightforward, clear logic of hers. She was right all along. You were right. Everything had changed, and nothing was as it should have been anymore. You had taken up the valiant fight for peace, while I had been blinded by my own false visions of a victory that would never come while I remained with ZAFT.

She told me to find you on Earth, and I did just that. A thousand things ran through my head while I was searching. Could I really bring myself to fight alongside you, even though it was what I'd truly wished from the start? What could I possibly say to you to make you forgive me? But more importantly, would I ever be able to forgive you for what _you'd_ done?

But when I found you there at Orb, battling for you life, I only hesitated an instant. The next thing I knew, I was at your side. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted, and everything was beginning to shift back into its rightful place.

I didn't know if I had the strength to face my new destiny. We stood face to face after the battle, and the determination in your stunning eyes pierced through me, sharp and intelligent, and with a clear purpose that told me you had found your place. The sensation that coursed through me the moment you spoke my name was indescribable. I trembled, I clenched my fist, my brows drew together, and my heart pounded a furious tattoo. I ought to have hated you. I still held a bit of a grudge. And yet…I couldn't believe it was you I was gazing at after all that we'd been through.

How is it you could so easily set aside the terrible history between us so soon? Why were you so composed? I was supposed to be the sure one, the one with the direction and drive to succeed. I fell apart, and there you were before me, new and enlightened. Later on, you spoke to me with the wisdom of one who has seen the light and stepped up to _become_ that light. You'd set out on a crusade of peace, and if it wasn't for you, I know I'd have been left behind.

I don't know how you did it. I don't know how you managed to find an oasis in the midst of our hell. I have no idea what I'm going to do now. I can't say for sure whether I'll decide to fight at your side. I want to. But healing takes time, and I've still got to come to grips with the new oasis you've created, the bright future you've carved out. I can't help but think things won't ever be the same. You actually did it.

Somehow, though, I'll find the strength to step into your oasis.


End file.
